Endlessly, She Said
by rebel angel365
Summary: Kim is broken. Everything in her life has fallen apart. That is, until Jared comes. Can he heal her wounds? Or is Kim too damaged? Kim and Jared if you couldn't tell
1. Prologue

**Alright, I decided to start this story while I'm doing my Paul imprint story (which you should read if you haven't!) So, let me know what you think! I'm gonna try naming the chapters this time. They'll probably be lyrics to songs.**

**I own nothing!**

_Prologue:_

I sigh and look at my dad again. "For the last time Dad, I don't want to go!" I'm losing patience with him.

Dad looks at me, pleading. "Come on, hon, when's the last time we did something together, just you and me? I told the guys at work I was taking the day off to go hiking with you."

I look away from my computer and glare at my dad. "Dad, I don't want to go hiking! I have more important things to do!"

Dad pleads with me one more time. "Please, dear. You never know how much longer we'll have the opportunity to do something like this. I mean, I'm not getting any younger…"

I groan, running my hands through my shoulder-length brown hair. "Oh please, dad. Stop being so morbid. Listen, I'll go next weekend, okay?"

He knows I won't go next weekend, and that I'm just saying this to pacify him so he'll leave me alone. He sighs, looking dejected. "Okay honey. Well, tell your mother when she gets back from the store that I went on to work, okay?"

My attention is refocused to the computer screen. "Yeah, sure dad."

He looks at me and smiles gently. "I love you Kimberly."

"Dad! You know I hate that name! It's _Kim_." But he's already out of my room. I hear him trudge down the stairs and out the door. When I hear the car back out of the driveway, I sigh in relief. Finally, he's stopped bugging me!

That morning in my room was the last time I would ever see him.

**Please review!**


	2. Dark Rain From Her Eyes Still Falls

_One Year Later…_

I sigh and close the front door, leaning against it. I listen for any signs of activity in the house. Any sign that my mother is home. As usual, I am greeted with silence. _Out again_, I think with a sigh. _Or did she ever make it home from yesterday_?

I don't bother trying to keep up with where my mother is anymore. Ever since that day, her maturity has slowly gone down: First she neglected the house, then her job, and then me. Now I'm lucky if I see her three times a week. She's always away, partying I suppose. Although I don't really know where a good place to party is in La Push…

I remember when she first started distancing herself from me. It was about a week after the funeral. I had a nightmare about Dad. In the dream, I was there with him when he died. I saw him get cornered outside his office by three men. One held a knife to his throat, demanding money. Of course dad obliged, but it wasn't enough. As soon as the man slit his throat and ran, my dad crumbled to the ground, dead. I ran up to him, clutching his body to me. Suddenly, he looked at me.

"Why, Kimberly? Why didn't you want to go hiking?" Blood oozed from him as he said this. I shook my head at him. "How are you talking? You're dead…"

His blank eyes bored into mine. "Because you wouldn't go with me."

I remember that's when I woke up. I was shaking uncontrollably, my body soaked with perspiration. My stomach churned as an overpowering terror seized me. I felt my lungs closing up. As I gasped for air, a voice whispered into my ear: _It's your fault. Your Fault. Your Fault. Your fault…_

As I exhaled, still feeling like I was suffocating, I let out wild shrieks. I covered my ears, shaking wildly. "No!" I screamed. "It's not my fault!"

That was when my mom came in. She took in the sight of me, then she rushed towards a phone, dialing _911_. I must've blacked out, because the next thing I remember was being in a hospital room. The doctor talked to me for awhile and preformed various tests. Then, he spoke with my mother and me.

"It appears Mrs. Longwood," the doctor said to my mother, "that Kim suffers with Panic Disorder."

He explained everything to my mother and me, and we listened in horror. After that, she began to detach herself from me. Now it's like I live alone.

I walk into the kitchen and put my backpack on the table. I'm not in the mood for cooking today. I pick up the phone and rifle through the phonebook until I see thee number for Pizza Hut. After ordering one small cheese pizza, I plop into a kitchen chair and do all of my homework. I am finished before the pizza even arrives. I look around, desperate for something to do. If I get too much time without anything to do, I start worrying.

I dust and vacuum the already spotless house. Right as I sprawl on the couch to watch T.V., the doorbell rings. I pay for the pizza and eat it silently, the television my only companion. I sip my Coke as I watch the Weather Channel. The Weather Channel is so reliable. I always know what's going to be on it.

Suddenly the cable goes out. I sit there in silence for about a minute. Then, I feel the panic in me start to rise. Air spurts in and out of my mouth in quick bursts. The regularly visiting voice from my nightmare whispers to me. _It's your fault_. I run to the kitchen counter and reach into my purse. Hidden in the side pocket next to some tampons is a brown paper bag. I grab it and begin to breath in and out of it. Within minutes, my breathing is regular and controlled again, the voice gone.

I remember that when the doctor first suggested using a paper bag to control minor panic attacks, I insisted that it only worked in movies. Now I use it more often than not. He also gave me a bottle of pills.

"Sedatives," he had told my mother, "if an attack gets too severe."

I had only used the sedatives twice, and I don't intend to use them again.

Other than that, I had a medication I had to take once a day. It didn't really change my lifestyle too much. Except for mother.

I looked at the clock. _6:30_. I still have a few hours until I normally went upstairs for the night. But the cable going out left me without anything to do. I _needed _a schedule. Too much time on my hands left me with time to worry. I glance at the clock again. I sigh and trudge up the stairs. Guess I'll be turning in early…

I pass by the hallway, filled with pictures of the family. Usually all I get when I see them is a pang in my chest. After my little episode downstairs, the sight of my father brings tears to my eyes. _You caused this_, I think bitterly. _If you had just gone with him on that hike…_

I feel my stomach churn. The small voice whispers in my head again, and like the call of a siren, I am compelled to listen and obey. _You have to pay for what you've done. It's your fault._ It hums this to me as I walk towards my drawer, preparing to do something I haven't done in _months_. I was sure I'd be able to stop…

I dig through the drawer until I find what I'm looking for: A razor blade, wrapped in old tissue. I sit on my bed and place it on my wrist. I feel it slice my skin as I pull, and I sigh, tears streaming down my face. _It's the least you can do, to punish yourself like this_, the voice whispers. _After all, he died because of you._

I nod my head, my arm stinging. It _was_ the least I could do. After all, if I had told my dad that I'd go, he'd still be here. Everything would be normal.

I lay down into the pillows, setting the blade on my nightstand. I close my eyes, and fall asleep with this thought: _But it's not normal. It will never be_.

**Sorry it took so long to update!! I wanted to get Kim's situation out right and I had to do a little research. Please Review!**


	3. And If You Say Hey Go Away! I Will

**Wow, this is a pretty quick update for me….Thanks to everyone who reviewed by the way. You guys are awesome!**

**I don't own anything.**

I jump as the warning bell rings. I quickly shut my locker and make my way to first period. I really don't like school. I like what I _learn_ there, but I don't really like the people there. They were so…_superficial_. I used to have so many friends. But after dad died, I drifted away from them. Now I am considered a loner. The outcast of the school.

I walk into math class and sit in my seat. I stay in the back of the classroom, just like in all of my other classes. Soon the rest of the class fills in, and the teacher begins his lecturing. Within minutes I realize that the lecture isn't really going to benefit me. I close my eyes and lean forward on the desk. I know the teacher won't try to rouse me and get me to pay attention. He'd given up on that a while ago.

I can hear snickering from the girl next to me as she whispers to her friend. Leave it to my luck to get forced to sit next to Shannon. She is the most popular girl, and she fits that exact stereotype. She is beautiful, homecoming queen, and captain of the cheerleading squad. She is also ditzy, bitchy, shallow, and slutty.

I listen as she titters to her friend Rachel. "Seriously, though, look at her!" she stage-whispers. "I mean, talk about _boring_ hair. And have you noticed she's always wearing baggy long-sleeved shirts? I don't think I've _ever_ seen her wear short sleeves!"

Rachel giggles. "Don't you know? She actually used to be kind of normal. Then her dad died, and she completely lost it, I heard. Now's she's a freak. She has like, no friends."

Shannon scoffs. "Well I wouldn't have any friends either if I was _that_ socially inept." They both laugh until the teacher calls on one of them for an answer. I feel my face redden. Surely they knew that I could hear them talking about me. Why were they so…cruel? What did I ever do to them?

I hear Shannon sigh. "_Anyway_, guess who I'm going out with tonight?"

"Ooh, do tell."

"Paul Youngblood."

Rachel gasps. "_No_! Oh my god, Shannon, he is _so_ hot."

I can hear smugness in Shannon's voice. "I heard that he's a player. We'll see how he is after _I'm_ done with him."

I sigh. I can't help but feel a little jealous of Shannon though. She seems to get everything I want without any effort. Not that I want Paul, though. My mind is one someone else…

"Well, tonight when you're out with Paul, see if you can get him to hook me up with his friend. What's his name? Jared. He's pretty fine himself."

I tune out their chatter, jealously seeping into me. Jared…

The bell rings and I jump out of my seat. Shannon and Rachel snicker at me being so startled. I ignore them and rush out of the classroom. One more class to go, then I get to see him…

The next class is gym. Which translates to me as free period. I never dress out for P.E. I don't mind that I'm failing. Exercise isn't really my thing. I don't really need it either, with my thin and rather shapeless form. Everyone else changes clothes and prepares for the basketball unit of class. I move to the bleachers and crack open a book. The only other kids who don't dress out are a goth boy and a girl with a broken leg. Neither acknowledges me. I open the book. _Jane Eyre_ is one of my favorite books. I'm a sucker for it. For the next hour, I immerse myself in the story.

_"Ten years since, I flew through Europe half mad; with disgust, hate, and rage, as my companions; now I shall revisit it healed and cleansed, with a very angel as my comforter."_

_I laughed at him as he said this. "I am not an angel," I asserted; "and I will not be one till I die: I will be myself. Mr. Rochester, you must neither expect nor exact anything celestial of me-for you will not get it, any more than I shall get it of you: which I do not at all anticipate."_

_"What do you anticipate of me?"_

_"For a little while you will be perhaps as you are now,-a very little while; and then you will turn cool, and then you will be capricious; and then you will be stern, and I shall have much ado to please you: but when you get well used to me, you will perhaps like me again-_like_ me, I say, not _love_ me. I suppose your love will effervesce in six months, or less. I have observed in books written by men, that period assigned as the farthest to which a husband's ardor extends. Yet, after all, as a friend and companion, I hope never to become quite distasteful to my dear master."_

_"Distasteful! And like you again! I think I shall like you again and yet again: and I think I will make you confess that I do not only _like_, but _love_ you-with truth, fervor, constancy."_

I sigh, and I can't help but think of Jared. I would give _anything_ to have a conversation like the one Jane and Mr. Rochester had-only with Jared. He really is the only reason I bother coming to school. I am love-stricken; my attraction to him is the epitome of high-school crushes. Of course, he has no clue I exist. He _does_ sit next to me in Chemistry, actually, and he asked what the homework was a few weeks ago when I walked into class. So he knows I exist. But he never really talks to me. I don't even think he knows what my name is.

_But today's going to be different_, I decide. _I'm going to talk to him today. No, I'm going to ask him to go to a movie with me._ I smile, and picture us together in Port Angeles at the movies. Unfortunately, I then picture myself completely freezing up in Chemistry when I try to talk to him. Which is what is most likely to happen to me. I feel my nerves bunch up, and my palms go sweaty. A familiar voice greets my head: _Why would he want you anyway? You're broken. Damaged. Unwanted_.

_Shut up,_ I will to myself. _Not here. Keep calm_. I breathe slowly and deeply, in through my nose, out through my mouth. Soon the panic leaves. _Okay, so I guess I won't be asking him out today_, I think wryly. _But maybe I can still talk to him…_

The bell rings and, as usual, I jump, startled. Then a rush of anticipation hits me. I get to see Jared this class.

I dart through the hallways, making my way to Chemistry. When I arrive, there are only two other people in the class, neither of them Jared. I sit in my seat, in a lab table second row from the back, and wait for Jared. While I wait, I set out all the books and notebooks I'll need in this class, pencil in hand, the picture of a model student.

The rest of the class darts in as the tardy bell rings. Neither Jared nor Paul is among them. Then, they walk in. Our teacher eyes them disapprovingly. "Boys, you're tardy." Like they don't already know that…

Paul smirks. "Sorry, ma'am," he says with mock politeness. "We'll try our best to do better." The class snickers at this as the boys take their seats. But my eyes are all on Jared.

He looks _amazing_, as usual. He is tall, over six feet. His skin is a russet color, and his hair falls to his chin. He seems to get bigger each day. He is lean, but still muscular. He grins at Paul as he sits down, and my breath catches as I look at his smile. _Okay, here goes. Just think of a casual conversation you can have with him…_I stare at Jared. He is turned around, talking to Paul, who sits behind us. "Um…"

Paul nudges Jared when he notices my staring. Jared eyes me cautiously. He sits there a minute, waiting for me to say something. I freeze. "Um, hello?" he says. "You need something?"

I search my brain for something. _Just say something! Anything that comes to mind!_ "Do have a pencil I can use?" I ask, and I feel myself physically relax. _Nice save,_ I congratulate myself. Until Jared answers.

"Uh, you're holding a pencil." I look down at my hand, and sure enough, there is a pencil. I laugh nervously. "Oh. Right. Well, never mind then…"

Jared laughs warily then quickly turns back to Paul, who chuckles. "That was _weird_," I hear Paul comment dryly. I feel a blush work its way up to my cheeks. I definitely just blew any chances of having Jared out the window. I probably look like a complete moron to him now…I groan inwardly and bury my face in my hands. For once, I can't wait for class to end.

**I know, it's really awkward between Kim and Jared now. Don't worry, he's gonna come around soon! Of course, the more reviews I get, the sooner he'll come around :) I don't own _Jane Eyre_ either, by the way.**


	4. You're Messing Me Up, But I'm Still Here

**Here's the next chapter. Sorry if it seems short. Please review!**

**I own nothing, sadly…**

The next few weeks stayed the same. The weeks are always very monotonous, which is just fine with me. Jared continued to not notice my existence. Paul however, shamelessly dumped Shannon after their first date. I couldn't help but smile while she cried over it in math.

Remembering that day, I sit down in first period with a small grin. Shannon, of course, talks about a different boy that she has wrapped around her finger. I ignore her and Rachel while they prattle and actually decide to pay attention to the lecture. As usual of course, I can't wait until science with Jared.

When I go to P.E., everyone goes outside for the football unit, despite the cold weather. I still don't dress out and participate, but the coach doesn't want to leave any students in the gym unsupervised, so he makes me come outside anyway. I sit down and open my book.

Suddenly, an earsplitting howl interrupts the coach demonstrating the proper form for punting. I actually have to cover my ears, it's so loud. Two other howls follow it. A few girls in the class scream, and everyone else looks around in fear. The coach looks towards he woods uneasily. "Okay, everyone," he says warily, "let's call it a day. Go get dressed!"

The class rushed inside. I followed right behind. I had no clue where the howls were coming from, but I don't intend to find out. Inside, everyone was talking about the howls.

"Were those wolves?"

"No way, there are no wolves around here."

"Maybe it was a joke. Like the senior prank or something."

"That's a pretty lame senior prank…"

"Hey, it got us out of football didn't it?"

"What are you talking about? I like football…"

And like that, the howls are dismissed. I can't help but think there is something more to it, though. I _know_ for sure that it wasn't just a senior prank. Was it really wolves? It doesn't seem like it could be. Those howls were so full of…emotion. I've never heard anything like it…

The bell rings, and I jump, as usual. Then I remember: I get to see Jared. _Maybe I can talk to him about the howls_, I think. _That would be something really cool to bring up. It might even redeem me from the whole pencil incident_. I haven't spoken to Jared since I made a fool of myself with the pencil. But today, I am going to.

I go to my seat in Chemistry and wait. This time, I don't get out any supplies, just in case I freeze up again and ask for something I already have. All of the class slowly trickles in, then the tardy bell rings. Neither Jared nor Paul walk in. I sigh in disappointment.

The teacher begins the lecture and I slump down in my seat, deciding just to go to sleep. Then the door opens. I look up hopefully, but my hopes are dashed quickly. It's only Paul.

"Late _again_, Paul. This is going to be a detention, you know," the teacher points out in annoyance.

Paul pulls out a slip from his pocket. "I just got to the school. I went through attendance." He hands the slip to the teacher. After looking at it for a second she nods.

"Alright, have a seat. As I was saying class, electron configuration is really quite simple…" I tune her out and eye Paul. He looks exhausted and stressed. He sits down in his seat with a sigh. There is also a leaf in his hair.

"Um…Paul?" I ask hesitantly.

He glares at me. "What."

I ignore my nervousness as best as I can. "I was wondering…if you knew…I mean…"

He sighs with impatience. "Spit it out."

"Where's Jared?" I blurt.

He eyes me with annoyance and suspicion. "Why do you care?"

I shrug, and I can feel my face heating up with embarrassment. "I was just wondering, that's all."

He sighs with impatience again. "He's…sick."

I frown with concern. "Really? Is he okay? Can I do anything?"

He shakes his head at me. "What's it to you? You're so weird, you know that?"

I'm taken aback. "You don't have to be a jerk," I mutter. "I was just trying to help."

Paul narrows his eyes, and I notice his arms shaking slightly. "Well he doesn't need help from you. So why don't you just turn around, and stop talking to me."

I turn around, shocked at my bravery and Paul's rudeness. I can't help but feel like there's something he's not telling me. _But why would he tell me anything?_ I remind myself. _I'm not friends with him, or Jared_.

I begin listening to the teacher, and prepare myself for a very long class.


	5. Suddenly Everything Has Changed

**Sorry it took so long to update!! But thanks so much for all of the reviews!**

Jared is gone for two weeks. Whenever Paul is asked, he explains coolly that Jared has mono, and that no one's sure when he'll be back. It's awful, going to school without Jared there. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to.

I sit in first period, tuning out Shannon and Rachel's endless chatter, as usual. I'm too bored to just sit there the whole class, so I pull out a journal I have tucked away in my backpack. I don't really write in it, I just doodle and scribble designs whenever I'm bored. Today, I can't help myself. I imagine my name with Jared's. I scribble for a few minutes on a blank page, then I examine my scrawl.

_Kim and Jared_

_Jared and Kim_

_Forever_

Suddenly the journal is snatched from me. Shannon has it, and she's flipping through the pages. "What is this?" she asks cruelly. "You really can't draw," she adds as she continues to look. "Do you realize what a freak you are? God, this is weird…" Then she gasps. "What is this?" I look and see that she has opened to the page I just wrote mine and Jared's names on. "Aww…you have a little crush on Jared? How…pathetic." She looks at me with distain. "Aiming a little high, aren't we?"

I snatch at the journal, trying to get it back. "Give that to me," I plead. "It's mine."

The bell rings and Shannon jumps out of her seat. "Not anymore it's not." She rushes out of the classroom, Rachel following her and tittering.

I sigh and go into the hallway. I have no clue where Shannon and Rachel have gone. But I have no time to worry about that. I have to go to class. I walk to P.E. and, as I always do, make my way to the bleachers. I've finished reading Jane Eyre again, so I pull out _Phantom of the Opera_, another classic I absolutely adore.

"_Yearning to turn and reach out to him, I remained unable to conquer that inner fear. It was a chasm I dared not cross. And so instead I sat there, like the little mouse in Aesop's fable, not daring to look upon the lion bound by cruel ropes. Chained by fate and shackled by pride, he starved in silent pain; and because I lacked the courage of a rose, I could not set him free."_

I sigh. It is a little disheartening to know that the only romance I've ever enjoyed has been the ones I've read in books and seen in movies. I remember what Shannon said earlier. _Aiming a little high, aren't we?_

Could Jared ever see anything in me? I mean, I am a broken person. I know that more than anyone. But maybe…if I tried…I could fix myself. Just enough to make myself desirable to Jared. I shake the thought from my head. _Shannon was right, _I chastise myself, _he could never see anything in you_…I go back to reading my book.

The period goes by surprisingly fast. Before I know it, I'm jumping at the sound of the bell ringing. I stand up and begin walking to class. I don't bother rushing too much because I know Jared won't be there. I get to class and sit in my seat. I've still managed to be one of the first students in the classroom.

Everyone else fills into the class. And suddenly, a familiar face is seen towering over everyone else. _Jared!_ He looks _huge_, which is surprising since he hasn't been gone long enough to grow so much. He is wearing only cut-off jeans and a wife-beater. This shocks me since it's cold outside. He talks to the teacher, getting makeup work I would guess, and then he moves to his seat next to me, turning to talk to Paul as soon as he sits. He ignores my existence, as usual.

Our teacher puts in a movie explaining the behavior of gases. I sigh and pull out a folder of paper, preparing to take notes. Of course with my luck and clumsiness, the folder opens as I pull it out and all of the papers spill out onto the floor.

"Nice…" I hear Paul comment dryly.

I am grateful for the movie so that no one can see me blushing. I bend over to the floor, trying to scoop up all the papers.

"Here, I'll help you," comes a husky voice, and then Jared is only a few inches away from me, piling up the rest of the papers. I reach for the last piece at the same time he does.

The second our hands touch, an electric shock ripples through me. Jared gasps and looks up. Our faces are only inches apart. His eyes are half open, and he sighs quietly. I can smell his scent. Salty air from First Beach…mixed with a woodsy smell. Suddenly something inside of me falls away. But not in a bad way. It feels like a part of me has broken away and been given to _him_. He is still holding my hand. His hand is incredibly warm, and it engulfs mine. I can feel my heart pounding, and my breathing getting erratic. But I'm not having any kind of attack. _Jared_ is doing this to me…

All of a sudden he jerks his hand away like it's on fire. He looks at me with a look of confusion, shock, and something else I can't quite place. "I-I'm sorry…" he stammers. Then he shoots out of his seat.

"Jared Smallwood, where do you think you're going?" the teacher demands, furious.

"I…I think I might be sick again," he mutters, and then he bolts from the room.

All I can do is sit in my seat, wondering, _What did I do?_

**Please Review! And that goes for **_**Heart of the Beast**_** too!**


	6. You Just Seem Really Nice

**Hey guys, thanks for all of the reviews I got! Here's the next chapter:**

The rest of the day goes by with a blur, along with the morning of the next. All too soon I am in Chemistry again. When I get there, though, Jared is already sitting in his desk, and so is Paul. I sit down reluctantly, still not sure what happened the other day. I look at Jared from the corner of my eye as the rest of the class fills in. He is staring at me intently. My heart stops, and I look away, flustered beyond belief. Then I hear his voice, saying the most beautiful thing I've ever heard, "Kim."

I turn at him, my eyes wide, and see his face smiling gently at me. I had to have imagined that. There's no way he would be talking to _me_, saying _my_ name. I didn't even know that he _knew_ what my name was!

I'm not sure whether to be relieved or disappointed when the teacher orders us to quiet down and watch another movie. As the lights shut off and the class quiets down, I see Jared turn and face the T.V., and I do the same.

What did he want? I mean, Jared _never_ talks to me. Maybe it was because of what happened yesterday. Hopefully not, though. _I'm_ not even quite sure of what happened…but whatever it was, it felt amazing. Then a new fear hits me square in the chest. My journal! What if Shannon and Rachel showed him? I sigh and bury my face in my hands. That would be so mortifying.

About ten minutes into the video, a folded piece of paper hits my elbow. I look around, and see Jared, looking at me with an amused expression. He gestures towards the paper, and his eyes are beckoning me to read it. I open the not and read:

_Hey Kim. How are you?_

I stare at it. Smalltalk. Jared, my crush, who has ignored me since I first saw him, is making _smalltalk_ with me. _Oh well_, I think. There's no reason to be complaining…

_Um, I'm fine, I guess. You?_

I toss the note to him. He reads it, then picked up his pencil and scribbles a reply.

_I'm good. You know, we've never really introduced ourselves. I'm Jared._

I smile when I read this, but I'm still confused about why he's talking to me.

_Hi Jared. I'm Kim. Um, no offense, but why are you talking to me?_

He frowns as he reads this.

_You don't want me to? Because I'll stop if you want me to._ _Just say the word. Or, write the word…_

I shake my head. The last thing I want is for him to go back to ignoring me.

_No, it's not that. It's just, you've kind of ignored me this whole year, and now you're passing notes with me? I was just wondering…why._

His face softens in understanding

_I'm not sure just yet. But I do know that I want to get to know you a little better…_

He passes this to me. I think I might faint when I read this. Jared wants to get to know me. I want to scream with joy. But at the same time, I want to run away and hide…Before I can reply to the note, though, the teacher moves so she is standing next to our table. She glares at us, and I put the note away. Jared and I both concentrate on the movie.

The bell rings and I jump. The lights flicker on and the class rushes out of the door. I go to follow, but a hand grabs my arm and gently pulls me back. "Kim," Jared says again, and he smiles. Once again I feel my heart stop. "You have lunch next, right?"

"Uh…" I clear my throat and finally manage to find my voice. "Yeah, I do."

He grins wider. "Good. You should sit with me and Paul." He pauses, and uncertainty crosses his features. "That is, if you want to."

I feel my whole body rise, and for the first time in a long time, I smile. It's not a smile I've had to force, or one out of sarcasm or bitterness. It is a smile, true and pure, of happiness. "I would like that."

He smiles back. "Great." He begins to lead me down the hallway, guiding me by my arm. "Paul and I usually sit alone," he says. "And don't mind Paul if he seems rude or crabby. He's just not very friendly in general. He gets mad easily." I nod, but still don't really understand Paul's issue.

We go to the cafeteria. In the line, I just order a bottle of water and a pear. Jared, on the other hand, gets _three_ bottles of water, two trays of a double-order meal, one of each of the sides for each tray, two bags of chips, and a six-pack of Oreos. As he pays, I stare at him in astonishment. I never even thought people were allowed to _buy _that much food. I certainly didn't think someone could eat all of that in twenty minutes. Jared notes my gaping mouth, and he laughs. "I get really hungry," he explains. I nod, still shocked.

We sit down at the table. Paul is already there, and he glowers at me as I sit. "What is _she_ doing here?" he asks Paul, and I can hear disdain in his voice. I blush, and look down at the table, screwing and unscrewing my water bottle.

"Back off Paul," I hear Jared mutter, and when I look up, I can see the anger in his features. "I asked her to sit with us."

"Oh for God's sake," Paul grumble, and he stands up. "I'm out." He walks away, and about four girls get up from their tables and follow him.

Jared looks at me, upset. "I'm sorry Kim. Paul can be such an ass."

I shrug. "It's okay. I mean, I didn't do anything to him, did I? Because I didn't mean to if I did."

He shakes his head. "No, no! You didn't do anything. Paul is just…Paul." He shrugs, as if this explains it all. Which, at this point, I guess it does. A silence follows. Surprisingly, though, it wasn't an awkward silence. It was like we both knew we were in our own little worlds and were content with just sitting there. And then suddenly, Jared fires off questions, wanting to know everything about me.

"What's your favorite color?"

"Orange."

"Favorite class?"

I say it without thinking. "Chemistry."

Jared makes a face. "You _like_ that class? Why?"

He looks at me with such earnest that I almost find myself telling him exactly why I like it so much: _Because you're in it with me._ But instead I shrug it off. "I don't know. I guess because I'm pretty good at it."

He looks at me strangely. "I see…what's your favorite book?:

"_Jane Eyre_."

"What about your favorite food?"

"Macaroni and Cheese." And before I can stop myself, the memory resurfaces. "My dad made the best mac-and-cheese," I say fondly. "He used to always make it every year on my birthday because he knew it was my favorite."

"But he doesn't make it anymore?"

I look away. "No," I whisper softly, so softly that I wonder if he can hear me above the noise in the cafeteria. "He doesn't."

I feel a hand gently guide my face so it is facing Jared again. "Why not?" Jared asks gently, sensing my pain. "What happened?"

I avoid eye contact. "He…he died about a year and a half ago." I can feel the pain resurfacing, and then morphing into panic. _No_, I tell myself. _Not here. Not in front of Jared_. Then I hear Jared's voice, and the panic leaves. "Are you okay?" he asks gently. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I look at him, surprised that he asked me that. Am I okay? No. Do I want to talk about it? Yes. But not now, not in front of all of these people. But something about Jared causes me to not want to lie. So instead, I change the subject, hoping he'll get the message. "How can you possibly eat all of that food in a twenty minute lunch period?"

He gets the message. His hand retreats from holding my chin. He shrugs. "I eat fast. And a lot. I guess you could say I'm still a growing boy." He grins, and it's contagious.

We fall into silence again, and Jared manages to eat all of the food on his trays. I am amazed, to say the least. Too soon the bell rings, and I head to History. Jared grabs my arm. "Um, Kim, you know, today's Friday."

I feel a smile growing as a hope rises in me. "Yeah, I knew that. Why?"

He shifts uncomfortably. "Well, I was thinking, if you're not too busy, you might want to go see a movie with me. I mean, Paul's going too, but he's bringing a date, so…"

I smile. "Sure, I'd like to go."

Jared smiled with what looked like relief. "Okay, good. So I'll pick you up around six?"

I nod and give him my number. Jared grins. "I'll see you then," he says as he heads to his class.

I remain on cloud nine until I get home. Then a thought hits me:

Did he mean tonight to be a date, or not?

**The more reviews I get, the faster I update!**


	7. You've Already Captured Me

**I am a jerk. I haven't updated in sooo long. I'm sorry!!**

I get home and rush upstairs to my room. Opening my closet, I look for a good outfit to wear. I sigh when I see that I have no flattering clothes. Then an idea hits me. I go into my mother's room and look in her closet. Most of the clothes in there are incredibly slutty, and I pass those. Then I see a pair of dark jeans. I pull off my sweatpants and pull the jeans on. Examining myself in a mirror, I smile. The jeans hug tightly to my legs, actually giving me a little shape.

I go back into my room and pull on a pale blue turtleneck on. It's the brightest shirt I own. I go into my mom's bathroom and brush my hair, pulling it into a low ponytail. I experiment with her makeup a little, but I only end up looking like a clown. I wash all of the makeup off and settle with the natural look, which is what I do everyday.

Before I know it, it is six o'clock, and the doorbell rings. I can feel myself shaking slightly from nerves, but I take a deep breath, grab my purse, and open the door. Taking in the sight of Jared, I wonder what he could possibly see in me. He looks _amazing_. He is wearing dark jeans and a black button-down shirt. All of the buttons are undone, and a white wife-beater is on underneath the shirt.

My eyes travel up to his, and I realize I've been staring. I blush deeply, and he grins. "You ready to go?" he asks.

I shrug. "Um, yeah. I'm ready when you are."

He nods and leads me outside to an old Jeep. "It's not much," he says, "but it's all me and Paul could afford."

I look at him in confusion. "You guys share a car?"

"Yeah. We live together, so we didn't really see a point in trying to afford getting two cars."

"Oh." I walk to the passenger side and open the door. Paul is in the driver's seat, and he looks at me with annoyance. "You go in the back," he says. I nod my head, trying to find the lever that will move the front seat. Suddenly, arms grab my waist and pull me back gently. Jared grins as I let out a yelp of surprise and pushes something under the seat, making it move up. He gestures to the back. "After you," he says.

I nod and climb into the back. Jared climbs in after me. "I'm just warning you," he says, "the Jeep is really loud when it starts. So we won't really be able to talk."

I nod. "Oh, that's okay." I smile shyly.

He looks at me with amusement. "Are you nervous or something?"

I shake my head fervently. "No! Of course not! Why would I be?" I laugh shakily.

The look of amusement on Jared's face grows, and I can feel the blush that was already on my face darkening. "Uh huh," he says teasingly. "You're not nervous at all…"

Before I can answer, Paul mutters, "Oh for God's sake…" and starts the engine. Luckily, Jared was right. The Jeep is way to loud for me to reply. So I settle for looking out the window.

We drive into Forks, and Paul stops at a house and honks the horn. The door opens, and a girl in a tank top and miniskirt come running out, her blond hair swinging. "Hey baby," she says as she climbs in. Then she kisses him roughly on the lips, and he returns the kiss just as hungrily. I look away, embarrassed and mildly disgusted.

The drive to the movies is pretty long, since the nearest theater is in Port Angeles. We finally get there, and Paul pulls into a parking spot. His date climbs out and pulls the seat forward for Jared and me. Then, she and Paul leave, not bothering to wait.

Jared climbs out of the Jeep and hold out his hand. My heart beating wildly, I take it, and Jared helps me out of the Jeep. To my disappointment, he drops it right after that. Jared pays for our tickets and leads me into the theater. "You hungry for anything?" he asks me.

"Um…I'll just have some popcorn."

"Do you mind sharing one with me?"

For some reason, my heart flutters when he asks this. "Sure, I don't mind."

He smiles. "Good." When we get to the snack bar, he orders popcorn. And practically everything else on the menu. He pays for the food, and then begins walking toward the theater, balancing all the food in one hand and a large Coke in the other. We find where Paul and his date are sitting, and we sit two seats away from them. They are already making out furiously, so I have a feeling that they won't be watching any of the movie.

Jared smiles sheepishly at me. "Sorry about those two," he says, gesturing to Paul and the girl.

I shrug. "It's fine."

Silence follows. Jared begins eating his food, and by the time the previews start, he is finished with everything but the popcorn and Coke. He situates those so that they are in between us. Suddenly I realize that I don't even know what movie we're seeing. But it doesn't really matter to me. I'm just happy to be with Jared.

The open credits in the movie begin. It looks like it's going to be some sort of spy movie. I try to focus on the movie itself and not the guy I'm watching it with. Then I notice something: Jared's hand is sitting strangely on the armrest. His palm is open and facing up…

An explosion in the movie startles me, making me jump. Jared looks at me with amusement. "You okay?" he asks. I nod my head, embarrassed. Suddenly warmth enfolds my hand. I look and Jared is holding it, looking at me uncertainly. I smile shyly and squeeze his hand, giving permission to hold my hand. He grins and I can see him visibly relax next to me. While I watch the movie his thumb leisurely traces circles in my hand. I can feel my heart pounding, and I'm surprised the whole theater can't hear it. Today is one of the best days of my life. Then it happens:

One of the main characters in the movie is a middle aged man and a spy. Towards the middle of the movie, he is walking down the street in a city, and a bunch of men yank him into an alleyway and beat him to death. An image of my father flashes into my mind, and I can feel my breathing pick up. _Not here,_ I beg myself. _Please, not in front of Jared_. But this time the panic doesn't die down.

"Hey, are you okay?" Jared's face is full of concern, and I know I can't lie to him. I shake my head shamefully. Jared sits there thoughtfully for a moment, and then he pulls me out of my seat and leads me out of the movie.

Once we are in the lobby Jared stops and looks at me apologetically. "I didn't know that movie would freak you out," he says softly. "I'm sorry."

I shake my head quickly, the panicked feeling already leaving me. "No it's fine, really." Then I look away. "I'm sorry that I'm ruining tonight."

Warm fingers gently tilt my head so that I'm looking at Jared again. "It's not ruined. As long as I'm with you, then it won't be ruined."

I smile and blush deeply, self-conscious. Jared smiles and runs his fingers over my cheek softly. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about," he says with amusement. "I _really_ like you Kim. More than you know."

I shake my head. "Trust me Jared, I bet I know exactly what you're talking about."

Jared expression changes, and he looks like he knows a really amusing secret. "I doubt it, but you'll know all about _that_ later. For now, let's just walk around. I don't want to watch the movie if it's freaking you out."

He takes my hand again and leads me outside, where we just begin walking around the city. We talk about anything that pops into our heads. I don't think I've talked this much to someone since Dad died. Before I know it, Jared is looking at his watch. "I'm pretty sure the movie is over now," he said regretfully. "I guess we should head back if we want a ride home."

We get back to the theater and Paul is pressing his date to the Jeep, kissing her roughly. I wonder with mild revulsion if they've stopped at all to breathe since the movie started. Jared clears his throat, and I see that his expression is annoyed. "Um, you ready to go Paul?"

Paul pulls away and smirks at us. "You guys are the ones who kept us waiting…"

Jared opens his mouth to retort, seems to think better of it, and sighs. "Sure Paul, let's just go." Jared and I pile into the back again, and soon we are on the highway on our way home. I stifle a yawn, and Jared eyes me with amusement and says something.

"What?" I ask. I can't hear him over the roar of the engine.

Suddenly his face is centimeters from mine, his mouth at my ear. "I said, are you sleepy?" I can hardly breathe while he's this close to me. I take in his scent, and whisper in a dazed voice, "A little."

Jared pulls away grinning. Then, to my surprise, he unbuckles my seatbelt and pulls me close to him, wrapping his arms around me. "Sleep," he says softly. "I'll wake you up when we get to your house." I feel myself sigh in contentment. Jared is so _warm_. It's like I'm wrapped in the arms of the sun or something. I yawn again and snuggle deeper into Jared's chest. His chest rumbles as he laughs softly. I feel my eyes dropping closed, and I sigh again…

"Kim? Kim, we're here." I yawn and open my eyes slowly, disoriented. I hear an impatient sigh. "Jared, can't you guys hurry up? I want to go home."

"Drive on without me then," the same voice that woke me. Suddenly two warm arms lift me out of the Jeep. I look up and see Jared smiling at me. "Sleep well?" he asks. I grin drowsily and nod. He chuckles and sets me down on the ground. I glance behind us and see that the Jeep is gone. Jared looks at my house. "Is there anyone home?" he asks, concern on his face.

I scramble for an excuse. "Uh…my mom works late usually. She should be home soon."

"Well maybe I should wait here until she gets here…."

I shake my head vehemently. "No, it's fine. I'll be okay."

An awkward silence follows. I look at the ground shyly, not sure what to do. Finally Jared clears his throat. "Well, I guess I should go."

I nod. "Yeah, I should go too. I mean, I'm already home. I'm just saying I should go inside. You know, to go to bed or something. Not that I'm trying to get rid of you or anything…" I blush as soon as I realize how stupid I must sound.

Jared laughs quietly, and when I look up at him, I see that his eyes have darkened. "You are so…incredible," he says huskily. I blush deeper. "I'm not that special…" I mutter, embarrassed.

Suddenly Jared cups my face gently with his hands. He moves so that his face is inches from mine. "Don't ever say that," he says huskily, his breath blowing my hair and making me shiver softly. And then his lips are on mine. The kiss is gentle and quick, but that doesn't stop my knees from going weak and my breathing to quicken. Jared kisses my forehead, grinning wildly. "Goodnight, Kim."

**I am undeserving of reviews!! But I'm still asking for them **


	8. Turn Around and See Me Cry

**Okay i feel like a jerk for taking so long to update. Forgive me!**

I wake up the next morning disappointed. _What a wonderful dream_, I think to myself. I close my eyes, willing myself to fall back asleep and dream of Jared again. Suddenly the shrill ring of the phone jolts me out of the bed. Grumbling to myself, I trudge down to the kitchen and grab the phone off the hook. "Hello?" I ask impatiently.

"Kim?"

I feel my heart stopping. My eyes are widened, and my breathing quickens. _It wasn't a dream!_ "Jared?"

"Yeah it's me…I didn't wake you up did I?"

His voice sounded so nervous and uncertain, I could feel a smile growing on my face. "No it's fine. How'd you get my number?"

"Oh, I looked in the phonebook. I really wanted to talk to you, but I wasn't sure if it was okay for me to come over."

My smile fades. He wants to talk to me? I could imagine what he would say. _Sorry, all of yesterday was a mistake. No hard feelings?_ "What are wanting to talk to me about?"

"Nothing in particular. I just kind of wanted to hear your voice."

I grin goofily and try to think of something witty to say. But all I can manage to say is, "Oh."

"Do you want to do something today?"

I smile. "Yeah…that sounds great to me."

"Okay I'll pick you up in about half an hour."

I hang up the phone and run into my bathroom. I shower and change into a pair of shorts and a navy-blue tank top. Then I look down at my wrists. Ugly scars criss-cross there, and I cringe at the thought of Jared seeing them. I hear the doorbell ring so I just grab the first sweatshirt I see and yank it on. I open the door and Jared is smiling down at me. "Hey," he says huskily.

I smile and blush. "Um, hi." Inwardly I cringe. I'm already nervous! Jared seems to sense this and his smile grows with amusement. Without asking he takes my hand, like it was the most natural thing in the world, and leads me to the Jeep. After opening the door for me and helping me in, he goes to the driver's side and starts it. The engine roars to life and we drive off towards the beach. I look out the window at the passing scenery. I still find it so hard to believe that I'm in Jared's car with him. What could he possibly see in me?

We pull up to First Beach and Jared hops out. He opens my door and lifts me effortlessly to the ground. Before I can react he grabs my hand again and we begin walking. Neither of us says anything; Jared seems distracted and I'm too shy to start any conversation. It stays like this for about five minutes and then Jared stops and looks at me with an intensity I couldn't describe. And I feel it again. That pull, like that day in Chemistry. Like part of me has been given to him. Then he abruptly looks away, and I let out a gush of air I didn't even realize I was holding in.

"Do you like me Kim?" He looks nervous all of the sudden.

I eye him incredulously. Of course I like him…how could he possibly have any doubt of that? "I do, Jared. I really do."

The apprehension remains in his expression. "You…you may want to sit down for this."

Okay, now I feel nervous. I sit on an old tree trunk and look at him patiently. "What's wrong Jared?"

He shakes his head quickly. "Nothing's wrong! I just want you to understand…god I don't even know how to explain this…" He pauses and then starts over. "I want you to know that I would do anything for you."

I look at him skeptically. "Really?"

Jared groaned in frustration. "See I don't even know how to show it to you. You don't even look like you believe it but I really would because I'm only going to be happy if you're happy and I love you so much and-,"

"Wait what?" He said he loves me…I'm gaping at him in total shock.

He looks at me shyly. "I love you Kim."

Instantly I'm on my feet in disbelief. I can't even speak. Hot tears stream down my face. "Wow. I'm an idiot."

Jared looks at me with confusion and concern. "No you aren't! Why would you think that?"

I shake my head. I can't believe that I didn't realize sooner what was happening. "Okay, where are your friends Jared? Come on out Paul….I've got it figured out!"

Jared looks at me with bewilderment. I don't know why he's faking still; I've figured him out. "What are you talking about?"

I gulp down the sobs that want to come out. "This. This whole thing about you liking me is some kind of joke or a prank. I just can't believe you would do something like that." It makes sense though. I mean why would someone like Jared want a broken girl with baggage like me?

Jared shakes his head wildly. "No! It's not a joke! I would never mess around with somebody like that! You have to believe me Kim."

I laugh bitterly. "Oh come on Jared. Honestly…you hadn't even talked to me before until this week. And you expect me to believe that with two conversations and one date you've fallen in love with me?"

He looks at me solemnly. "I loved you before that. I knew I loved you that day I came in and you dropped your papers. You can't tell me you didn't feel anything when we touched hands."

I look at him until my vision is blurred with tears. The only thing that hurts more than him tricking me is him mocking the feeling I felt. I sigh sadly. "I'm going home."

I turn to leave but he grabs my wrist. "Kim please believe me. I know it sounds crazy because I've been sitting next to you the whole year and I never gave you any attention and now I'm saying I love you but something happened to me! After I transformed and then I came back to school you were the only thing that mattered to me!"

I hold up a hand and stop him. "Transformed?"

He gulps and looks down at me, the nervous attitude returning. "That's another thing I want to tell you." He takes a deep breath. "You know those old legends about the tribe protectors?"

I blink, thrown off by the change in subject. "Sure, who doesn't?"

Jared took a deep breath, looking positively terrified. "The legends are true."

I look at him in annoyance. "What? How is this even relevant?"

He shakes his head in exasperation. "Because I am the legend Kim! I'm a werewolf!"

I stare at him, not sure how to react. I settle on silently turning and walking down the beach towards home. Jared grabs my arm and turns me around. "I know that must have been a lot to handle, but-,"

"Oh my God Jared! Really just give it up! The joke's up! Okay you tricked the girl who loved you into thinking you loved her back. Now just leave me alone!"

I try to pull away but he holds onto my arm, an expression of glee on his face. "You….love me?"

I sigh morosely. "Just let me go Jared. I want to go home."

His smile faded. "You don't believe me." It wasn't a question.

I gape at him, offended that he expected me to buy the werewolf crap. "Of course I don't believe you! Do I look stupid to you?"

He shook his head quickly. "Of course you don't!"

One solitary tear escapes and slides down my cheek. "Well I am stupid. For ever thinking I had I chance with you." Jared drops my arm in shock and I begin walking away again. I made it about ten feet before he grabs my arm again. "Kim please you have to believe me. Everything I've said to you is true!"

I've had enough of this. And the worst part was that I wanted so badly to believe him! "Fine. Then prove it."

Jared lets go of me and runs a hand through his hair. "I-I can't do that."

"Ha. Somehow I figured you would say something like that."

Before I can even completely turn around he grips my arm. "No Kim, you don't understand! I can't phase anywhere near you. I'm new to this whole thing and if I slip up even a little I could hurt you. And if I hurt you I would never forgive myself."

I look at him angrily. And then I decide, why put myself through this anymore? So I give him the most acidic glare I can. "You are so full of shit." I try to jerk my arm away but he holds on. "Kim…"

"Get your hands off of me."

With pain in his eyes he complies without protest. "At least let me drive you home."

Without speaking to him I get into his Jeep. Like the ride to the beach, he ride home is absolutely silent. But this time there was an uncomfortable tension that filled the air. When he pulled up to my house I climbed out before he could come get the door for me. I kept my cold façade up until I made it into my house. As soon as I shut the door I crumpled onto the floor sobbing. I could feel the air rushing in and out of my body uncontrollably. I ran into my room and grabbed the paper bag from my purse. After a few minutes of trying to get my breathing, I give up on the paper bag. I could feel myself getting worse; I could barely stand I was shaking so hard. So I reached into my purse for the sedatives. It took only only a few minutes for them to work. Soon I was sitting on the floor in my room, curled up in a ball, hazy from the sedatives, and whimpering softly.

I took out the razor again that night.


	9. You are the worst, I am to blame

I sit down in Chemistry with a huff. It's been two weeks since Jared's little prank on me, and he hasn't been in school since. I sigh, remembering that day again. It is a painful memory that I doubt I will ever forget. I still don't understand why I ever thought that Jared might actually feel anything towards me. He, like everyone else here, only sees me as someone to step on, to tease. I remember my mother coming home right after I had taken my sedatives and cut myself that afternoon. I couldn't stop thinking about Jared, and she discovered me rocking on the floor in my room, tears staining my cheeks. She didn't even say a word; she just shook her head with disgust and walked into her room, shutting and locking the door. My thoughts drift into two days ago as I wait for the bell to ring. I went in for a checkup appointment with my doctor, and Mother told him that my attacks were getting worse. I was so angry when I heard that. I wanted to shout, "How would you know? You're never even home!" But the cold voice in my head reminded me that of course Mom was right, my attacks were horrible and I was a freak, so I stayed silent. The doctor prescribed something new, and only in case of a serious emergency: a sedative injection. Each injection comes with a disposable syringe with the correct dose of sedatives in them. I now have to keep my paper bag, some pills, and one needle injection in my purse, inside a kit with instructions on when and how to use each item. An injection…just thinking about that makes me shudder.

The bell rings and I gasp as Jared ducks into the room with Paul before the teacher shuts the door. She opens her mouth to reprimand them, thinks better of it, and sighs, beginning the lesson instead. Jared's eyes catch mine as he makes his way down the aisle to our table. I glance away quickly, pain slicing through me as I am reminded of his ridiculous prank. I focus on taking notes on the teacher's lecture. A review of balancing equations. Simple, really, not something that I would ever need to take notes on. But, I need a distraction, something to keep me from thinking about Jared. I do the example equation flawlessly. I admire my work, noting how every exponent and chemical had its own niche, a place where it belonged so everything would run perfectly, and I find myself envying them. I find myself wishing more than anything that things could be that simple in my life.

_They are like that_, the voice reminds me, a sneer in its tone. _You do have your own niche, and that is being the freak of the school, who does not _ever_ end up with guys like Jared. If you had remembered your place, none of this would have ever happened._ I shut my eyes, feeling helpless tears forming. _Equations, equations_, I force myself to think as I reopen my eyes and pick up my pencil. But the paper in front of me isn't my notes. It is a note. I sigh as I recognize Jared's handwriting.

_We need to talk. Everything I said to you was true. I love you._

Now I can't stop a tear from escaping out of my eye. It slides down my cheek and falls to Jared's note with a soft splat. I wage a war with myself, wanting to write down how much I love him and would do anything for him. I want so badly to believe him…

_Yes, why don't you believe your werewolf lover?_ the voice taunts. I cringe. That is a rude reminder that of course Jared is lying about everything. People don't turn into wolves. _That's right, and they don't love people like you. You bring everyone down who does. Think of Dad._ With hands now visibly trembling, I slide the note off to the side and continue the notes, forcing myself to think of nothing but chemistry. _Potassium iodide subscript twelve plus three carbon subscript eight chloride subscript five equals potassium subscript six chloride subscript four plus carbon subscript eight plus twelve iodine._ _Potassium iodide subscript twelve plus three carbon subscript eight chloride subscript five equals potassium subscript six chloride subscript four plus carbon subscript eight plus twelve iodine. Potassium iodide subscript twelve plus three carbon subscript eight chloride subscript five equals potassium subscript six chloride subscript four plus carbon subscript eight plus twelve iodine…_

Suddenly, a hand is covering mine. I jump and let out a squeak, causing snickers to erupt. I turn to face Jared, my face hot from being startled and embarrassed. I jerk my hand from his. His eyes flash with pain briefly, but return to worry. "Kim," he whispers, "stop."

I blink, confused. "What are you talking about?"

He gestures to my notes. I look, and I see that I've written the same equation three times. I sigh and mumble, "Oh, sorry."

He opens his mouth to reply, but the bell rings and I shoot out of my chair. I need to get away from him. The hallway passes by me in a blur as I make my way to the cafeteria. I choose a line to go wait in for food and stand there. Within seconds, a large group of friends get in line in front of me, like they didn't even notice me. _I'm sure they didn't._ As soon as I think this, my eyes well up with tears. I suddenly long for graduation, even though I'm only a junior. I want to get out of La Push, away from these people, away from Jared…

That thought had just entered my mind, when a hand lands on my shoulder. I jump and whirl around in line. "Kim, please, this is ridiculous. Why can't you believe me?" Jared is making no attempt to be quiet about this. People turn their heads and eye us curiously, then turn back to their friends in whispered giggles. I feel my face heat up in a blush.

"This…this really is not an appropriate time to talk about this," I mumble, hoping he can't see the tears in my eyes.

"Then leave with me. We can talk alone somewhere."

My blush rises. "Now?" I squeak. "We still have class after lunch. I can't just leave."

Jared smirks. "It's okay to ditch every now and again. I don't know…just say you got sick."

I can feel that pull again. That desire to go with him, to be with him. All I have to do is say I'll go, and we can talk, and I can hear him out. It's so easy, just to say yes…He looks at me with fathomless eyes. "Please Kim," he murmurs.

I open my mouth to say I'll go, but before I can, two girls walk by snobbishly. I can hear one mutter, "Why is _he_ talking with _her_? Disgusting. Must be a charity project."

"Yeah, that or a joke," the other one replies with a snicker.

I shake my head, ashamed at myself for almost giving in. I eye Jared coldly. "Jared, please. I think this joke has gone on far enough."

He runs a hand over his hair in exasperation. "Dammit, Kim, it's not a joke! I would never do anything like that to you! Please. I can prove it all to you! Why can't you just trust me?"

I give up on lunch. Over half of the people here are watching us, and most of them are laughing. My blush still heats up my face. I glare at Jared, embarrassed and angry. "Honestly Jared, do you think making a scene in front of everyone will make it any better?" He looks at me guiltily. I just shake my head and turn from him, heading to the doors.

"Where are you going?" he calls after me.

"I'm not hungry anymore," I mutter, eyes downcast. I leave the cafeteria and walk quickly down the hall towards my locker. I can hear Jared's footsteps as he follows me, but he makes no move to get my attention or say anything further. I stop at my locker and fumble with the combination, trying to ignore Jared as he steps close to me. "Kim, there are other people like me. They can tell you the same thing I'm telling you about the legends. Please just let me take you to Sam's house after school-,"

I pause and blink at him, interrupting. "Sam Uley?"

Jared nods. "He can explain everything about us a lot better than I can. Just please come with me to see him."

I shake my head and open my locker roughly. "Please, Jared, I don't need this anymore. I have a hard enough time as it is, going through school, and I don't need you adding to it. Just please leave me alone!"

I put my chemistry books away and slam my locker door, but Jared grabs my wrist before I can walk away, turning me towards him. He looks at me in the eye, and I can't look away. I wish that he didn't have this kind of power over me. It makes it impossible not to listen to him. "Why do you have a hard time here?" He gives my wrist a soothing squeeze as he holds it, and I want to cry all over again. "You can tell me, Kim. I can help you. Just please hear me out."

I shut my eyes and take a deep breath. "Jared, please let me go," I whisper softly.

"I can't do that."

My eyes fly open. I can feel myself getting hysterical, and I don't want that at all. I don't want him to see how he hurts me. "I said let go!" I jerk my wrist out of his grasp. It surprises him, and he tightens his grip on my sleeve in an attempt to hold onto me. Before I can stop it, the sleeve rips, and the threads on my sweater unravel up to my elbow. I hear Jared gasp and I look down to see why.

The criss-cross scars on my wrist are there for him to see.


	10. Shame pulses through my heart

Chapter Nine

I shut my eyes in horror. There was no way not to notice the scars. A couple of them were recent; I had taken out the razor a few nights ago and the bloody gashes are particularly nasty before they heal. I open my eyes, still unsure of how to react. Even the cruel voice, my inner demon and constant companion, seems at a loss and is silent. Jared's face is a mask of horror, but it quickly transforms into a rage that I've never seen before on him. Before I can react he has dropped my wrist and grabbed the other. He slides up my sleeves and sees more scars.

"What…" he pauses and shuts his eyes, "the hell are those."

He doesn't even phrase it as a question. I don't answer, and his eyes fly open, "Well?"

I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I just shake my head. Jared nods his head, the rage still in his expression. "You don't know. Alright then." Without another word I am being pulled down the hall, towards the doors leading to the parking lot. He pushes the door open forcefully, causing it to slam into the brick wall outside. He continues to drag me towards the parking lot while I try to pull away.

"Jared, where are we going?" I ask, feeling a little bit of fear. Jared is trembling slightly and seems to be ignoring any rationality, operating only on anger. My question stops him for a minute.

"Do you have a car here? Or do you ride the bus to school?"

"I-I walk," I stammer. "But Jared, where are we going? We can't just leave school!"

His grip on my wrist tightens painfully. "Jesus, Kim, I don't care about leaving school! We're going to go to Sam's house, and on the way you're going to tell me everything that's caused you to do something like this," he holds up my scarred wrist, "to yourself!" He continues to pull me through the parking lot until he reaches the Jeep. He jerks open the passenger door and nods to me. "Give me your stuff and get in."

I grip my purse tightly and stay where I am. "Jared, I don't want to go with you. Please, just-,"

He doesn't let me finish. My backpack is yanked off of my back and he lifts me with one arm into the seat, slamming the door afterwards. I hear the trunk open and my backpack get tossed in along with him, and then within seconds he is in the Jeep, turning the key in the ignition. He backs out at a dangerous speed, and we tear through the parking lot and out of the school. I fumble with my seatbelt worriedly. _Why is he doing this? I don't understand why he's so determined to take me with him…_ I do know one thing for certain: this isn't going to end well. Whether it's part of the elaborate prank, or something else completely, I don't want him to know about all the things that have haunted me this past year. Jared, however, doesn't seem to understand that.

"Kim. Talk. Now." Jared's gaze stays straight ahead as he talks, and his hands shake as they grip the steering wheel tightly. The rage is still on his face. "I don't have much more patience."

I bring my knees up against my body, wrapping my arms around them. "Jared," I whisper softly, "please just take me home."

He glares at me. "Yeah, there's a great plan," he says angrily, sarcasm dripping from his voice. "I'll leave you at home so you can keep…." He is shaking so hard that he can hardly speak; he has to pause before he can continue. "…doing this to yourself! Yeah, that's exactly what I'll do. Maybe you'll get lucky and kill yourself!" I flinch when he says this, and cringe into the window.

We keep speeding down the road, and I try to deter any conversation about myself. "You should slow down," I whisper sadly.

That only makes him angrier. "Dammit, Kim, I don't care about how much I'm speeding!" He slams his hands on the steering wheel, profanities spewing from his trembling form. I cringe further into the window, unable to stop the sobbing that causes me to shake too. It stays this way until we go along a dirt road, away from any houses, arriving at a tiny house, almost like a shack. Before Jared even turns off the Jeep, someone comes flying out of the front door, shirtless and looking almost as angry as Jared. It's Sam Uley, followed behind by Emily Young. Stories about their relationship and her bear attack resurface into my memory briefly, but Jared has the passenger door open and is pulling me out roughly before I can think any more about it. I lose grip of my purse and it falls to the ground, all of its contents spilling out of it. Jared pulls me behind him, his arms spread out protectively, blocking me from Sam's view. I have never met Sam before, only seen him around at tribe events, so his deep and authoritative voice surprises me.

"What the hell are you doing out of school?"

Jared actually lets out a snarl. "She doesn't believe me, and I don't know what to do! Tell her! Tell her everything is true!"

Sam leans over and looks at me, concern in his eyes. "Geez, Jared, what have you done to her?" Only after he asks this do I realize that my sobs have become more violent, almost causing me to double over. "Did you force her to come here?"

Jared steps aside and looks at me, and only then can I see where his rage is coming from. There is pain and fear in his eyes as he looks at me. "I had to, Sam," he says softly, still looking at me. I stop crying, looking at him through teary vision.

Sam steps over to me and takes my hand gently. "I'm taking her home, Jared. You can stay here because we're going to have a serious talk when I get back. Come on, honey."

Suddenly the rage takes over Jared's features again. He shoves Sam away from me with a growl. "Stay away from her! She is in more danger alone at home than she is here! You don't know what she's-." He stops, crouching down from all of his shaking.

"What's going on?" I turn and see Paul running to stand by Sam. "Jared wasn't in class with me so I came to see what was up."

Jared can't answer. He's stood up, but he's shaking harder than ever before. His heavy breathing begins to sound like growling. I stare at him in horror.

Sam steps forward carefully. "Jared, calm down. You don't want to lose it here." He looks at me, and I can see fear in his expression.

Jared's growls grow louder. "I…can't…" His shaking becomes so violent it's almost hard to see him.

Sam faces me. "Kim! Back away from him now!"

I take a couple of steps back, and then freeze. Jared suddenly jerks, blurs, and explodes into fur. Where he stood there is a massive wolf, snarling and glaring intently at me.

_Oh God. He was telling the truth. Oh God. He's a wolf._ He is without doubt the biggest animal I have ever seen. His fur is a combination of different shades of brown. His growl is almost earth shaking, and it terrifies me. He takes a step towards me and I can't hold in the scream anymore.

Suddenly a jet black wolf is in front of me, growling too. I stumble backwards and fall, gasping for air. The panic has hit me, hard, and I can't stop it. I watch the two wolfs eye each other, almost like they're having a conversation. Then, they both take off into the woods by the house.

"…think she's taking it hard." I hear Paul's voice as he steps towards me, Emily beside him. She crouches down and gives me a soft shake. "Kim, honey? It's okay. They aren't going to hurt you." I can't respond. My lungs are constricting, begging for more air, and I can't stop the hyperventilation and the shaking. Tears streak my face, and I can hear my gasps turning into hysterical shrieks. Emily's eyebrows rise. "I think she's in some kind of shock. Paul, pull her up." Paul grabs my arm and pulls me up, eyeing me warily. Emily touches my face. "Kim, can you hear me?"

I nod. I know I need the pills to stop this attack. My mind is rational enough to see that. I look and see the kit the doctor gave me on the ground by the Jeep. I point to it, trying unsuccessfully to gasp out that I need the pills in it. Paul reaches over and grabs the kit, studying it.

"Panic Disorder?" He opens it up. "I don't know what we're supposed to do with this." He sees the syringe in there. _No! Not that!_ He pulls it out, making me gasp more. "Should we be using this?"

_I can't stop them. Please see the pills. Please read what the pills say!_ They ignore the pills as Emily reads the instructions with the needle. "Paul, I need you to do this. You'll have steadier hands than me." They take a step towards me, but I back away in terror. "Please," I manage to gasp.

Paul looks at me with a surprising amount of pity. He easily overpowers me, laying me on the ground and holding me down. "It says to do it right in her thigh…" he mutters uncertainly. He takes the cover off of the needle, a long and thin one that is barely visible. Now I'm crying pitifully. Paul looks at me with sympathy. I absently think about how shocking his behavior is. It's almost like he's being kind to me. "Sorry," he mutters. He stabs the needle into my thigh quickly, shooting the sedative injection painfully. I let out a gasp of pain and cry harder. Paul lets me go quickly and backs away. Emily lays my head in her lap. I stop crying, but her shape blurs in my vision. "It's okay honey," I hear her say. I can hear myself groaning and whimpering as her concerned face blurs and distorts. I blink, trying to focus my sight. But soon I can't see anything, and I give myself up to the dark.


	11. I'll always think of you that way

Chapter Ten

I see so many shapes. Blurring together in multicolored swirls. And the voices. They blend together until I can't tell them apart. Only one voice stands apart in the chaos.

_Kim_.

_ Kim._

_ Kim._

"Kim."

My eyes dart open. _Where am I?_ I look around for any indication as to where I am. I'm on a bed, wrapped in a blue quilt. The walls are a lighter blue color, and white shelves are on my left, along with a window. I turn my head to the right and start. Jared is on a chair, his head back as he dozes lightly. That's when it all comes back to me. School, the Jeep, Sam's house, the wolves…I wince. Those sedatives gave me a horrible headache. I can hardly remember what happened after Paul gave me that shot. Did I pass out instantly? It's all a blur. I shudder. I never want that injection again.

I sit up slowly, planning on leaving without waking Jared. But I barely had time to be up completely before his eyes fly open.

"Kim?" he looks around groggily before his eyes settle on me. His eyes instantly soften. "Kim."

I look at him, remembering everything that he said to me in the car. "Hey." I don't offer him a smile or any kind of emotion.

"Kim honey, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I lost my temper like that. I know I must have scared you so badly…Well, I know I did. I heard you scream." He shut his eyes, and when they opened again I saw such a chasm of pain in them. "I can't believe I lost control like that. I've never been that angry before, not since I first phased. And the way I treated you in the car…I was so shocked when I saw your wrists. I was so afraid for you. I cannot believe you would hurt yourself like that and I never noticed. That doesn't give me any right to say the things I did. I'm so sorry. God, could you ever forgive me?"

I felt my expression soften. _I'd do anything for you._ "Yeah. I'm sorry that I upset you so badly." My eyes well up with tears. The voice comes back from its lapse, just as strong as ever. _See?_ it says with satisfaction. _You _do_ hurt anyone who tries to be close to you_.

Jared takes my hand. "Don't cry honey," he murmurs. "I'm going to help you, Kim. I want to make it all better for you, and I will. Please look at me."

I do. I look in his eyes and feel the pull like I never have before. Suddenly, the voice in my head and all of its ghosts begin to fade. "It helps," I say shyly, "to just be near you. You make so much of it go away."

He smiles halfheartedly. "Well, that's not good enough. You know that, right? It all needs to go away."

I sigh. I don't want to be this girl with the baggage. I want to forget all about Kim Summers, the girl whose dad got murdered because of her, the girl whose mom is disgusted by her, the girl whose past haunts her daily with ghosts that rival anyone's worst nightmare. I just want to be the Kim Summers who wants these moments with Jared to last forever. "Please, I don't want to talk about this now. I've never talked to anyone about it, and for today I just want to forget it all." I look at Jared pleadingly. "_Please_, Jared."

He sighs, running a hand through his hair. "Okay. But we _will_ talk about it soon. All of it."

I nod my head, accepting it for now, but praying that he will just give it up. I won't talk about it with him. I don't want him to know what a monster I am. "So, it was true then," I say, changing the subject.

He smiles softly. "Yeah." He adds with a wink, "Just like a told you."

I laugh quietly, feeling myself open up to him just like I did on our date. "You sure did. I'm sorry I didn't believe you."

He shrugs. "I can't say I blame you. Shape-shifters aren't exactly among accepted creatures in today's world." He looks at me nervously. "How badly did I scare you?"

Now it's my turn to shrug. "It's hard to say. I mean, I was already really upset, and that paired with my…disorder…well, it was no wonder I freaked out." I saw his pained expression, so I quickly added, "I don't think you would scare me if you changed right now." I smiled. "It might actually be pretty cool."

He grins. "It can be sometimes, believe me."

"How many of you are there?"

"Well, right now it's just me, Sam, and Paul. But I think Embry- you know Embry Call? Well, I think Embry is going to change soon." His expression darkens. "We keep having vamp attacks in the woods around Forks. And as long as there are leeches around, more of us will change."

I blinked. I had temporarily forgotten about part of the legend. "Vampires, huh?"

He nodded solemnly. "Yes, but don't be afraid." He takes my hand and squeezes it. "I would never let anything hurt you. You're safe on the reservation, and I will be with you if you ever have to get off our land."

I nodded, smiling shyly. "I don't feel afraid. I don't….I don't think you'd let anything happen to me."

He doesn't smile back, just looks at my wrists. "No, I won't let _anything_ hurt you."

I self consciously cross my arms, covering my wrists. "So…how long have I been here?"

"Only a few hours." He stands reluctantly. "I guess I should take you home though. It's close to sunset, and I bet your mom's probably worried."

I looked away. _I guess now's just as good of a time as ever to tell him_. "I don't think she'll even be home Jared. And if she is, she won't care if I'm home or not." I see him looking at me with concern, and I know I'll have to say more than that. "Ever since my dad…" I pause, taking a deep breath. "Ever since my dad died, she hasn't exactly been there. I mean, I don't know where she goes, I just know that lately I'm lucky to see her once a week." I feel tears well up in my eyes, and I look down. "She really hates me."

Suddenly Jared is sitting with me, holding me against him tightly. I gasp at his heat; I'd forgotten how warm he is. "Kim, I'm so sorry," he whispers. "You shouldn't have to deal with that." We sit there awhile, Jared holding me and petting my hair softly. I can't believe how quickly my life has taken a turn in just one day. I feel so, right. I feel so right just being here with Jared, letting him hold me. "I wish it could always stay this way," I whisper.

He pulls away and tilts my chin up to him. "It can, you know."

I turn my head away. "It never does." I feel my ghosts coming back, quick to ruin the moment. Jared opens his mouth to reply, but a knock on the door stops him. It opens, and I see Emily cautiously open the door and peek her head in.

"Hey guys, I just wanted to let you know that dinner's ready, if you're hungry at all." She smiles tentatively at me. "How are you doing sweetie?"

I smile shyly back. "I'm okay. Thank you for earlier."

"Don't thank me; I've heard so much about you from Jared you're practically family already!" I blush furiously and look at Jared, who winks at me. Emily's smile widens. "Just come out whenever you're ready."

Jared stands up and holds out his hand. "Come on, let's go eat with everyone."

I take his hand and get up off of the bed. I'm barely standing before my legs give out weakly. Jared catches me quickly before I can fall. The sedatives must have made me weak. "Sorry," I whisper.

To my shock Jared kisses my forehead and looks at me, grinning. "You need to stop being so sorry. You didn't do anything wrong." He helps me stand and leads me out of the room. We walk down a short hallway and turn into a big room connected to the kitchen. Sam and Emily are there, along with Paul.

Sam nods at me, smiling. "It's nice to see you're up, Kim. Emily fixed you a plate over there." He gestured to two empty seats, one with a plate of spaghetti. I sit tentatively down, spooning some spaghetti in my mouth. It is incredible. I can't remember the last time someone has cooked for me. "This is delicious Emily. Thank you so much."

She smiles as she hands Jared a heaping plate. "Oh, it's nothing. I love having company to cook for, I have to say." Jared plops down in the chair next to me, shoveling food in his mouth faster than I thought was possible. The rest of dinner is mostly me listening to everyone around me banter. They tease each other like they are a true family. It makes me happy to see Jared being a part of this. I try not to let my jealousy show. I'd give anything…everything…to have my family back the way it used to be, just like this. They really are a family.

And Sam and Emily. I've never seen two people so in love. It's like they complete each other in every sense. They look at each with complete adoration, like they're having a private conversation with each other. Yet another thing to be jealous about. I'd give anything to have someone look at me that way…

"You alright?" I turn and see Jared looking at me with concern. "You were kind of zoning out there."

I blush, and smile to reassure him. "I'm fine. I think I'm just a little tired." He smiles worriedly and nods. I blink. He's looking at me like Sam. Just like Sam looks at Emily. I remember part of what Jared said that I didn't-couldn't- believe. _He loves me_. Can it really be true? How could he possibly be in classes with me for years and even sit next to me all of this year never noticing me, and then suddenly decide he loves me? It didn't make sense.

"Kim?"

I suddenly realize that someone has asked me something. I look at Jared for help. "Um, what?"

He laughs, making me blush harder than I already am. "Sam was just saying that maybe I should take you home."

God, could I be a little more inept? I can't even carry a conversation with anyone without completely embarrassing myself. "That might be a good idea. I feel a little out of it still."

Jared stands up before I can even finish. "Then you definitely need to go home and rest." He reaches for my hand, and I gratefully put mine in his.

"Thanks again," I say softly. "All of you have helped me a lot today. I really appreciate it."

Sam answers for all of them. "Kim, we are people you can depend on. If you ever need anything-any kind of help- you can come to me, Emily, Paul, or Jared." He smiles warmly at me and for a moment, I feel like I could be a part of their ragtag family.

I smile at the thought of that. Jared and I say our goodbyes and he leads me outside to his Jeep. He gallantly opens the door for me, shutting it after I climb in. While he makes his way to the front seat, I can't help but wonder about us. It is so confusing, wondering what Jared and I are. I still can't bring myself to believe that he could possibly love me, after knowing me for so little. Jared climbs in, smiling at me as he starts the Jeep. _Well, I'm not going to ask_, I think to myself. _I'd rather stay how we are now, whatever we are now, than go back to us ignoring each other_.

The ride home is silent, but not awkward. Twilight has fallen across La Push; the day is transforming into night. Jared pulls up to my house. Like I had predicted, Mom isn't there. Jared looks uneasily at the empty house as he shuts off the car. "Are you sure you'll be okay by yourself? I don't like the idea of you being here alone."

I blush, only imagining why he'd be concerned with leaving my here by myself. "I'll be fine, Jared, really. I'm not going to do anything to myself." I look away from him when I say that, feeling the shame of him seeing my scars all over again.

Jared grabs my chin and tilts it towards him. "Kim," he says softly, "I didn't mean it like that. I'm just worried about you being alone. What if you need something? What if you couldn't get to the phone for some reason…?" He trails off, and he truly looks worried.

I can't help but smile. "I'll be okay. I've been by myself for a long time."

He's not convinced. "If you say so…just promise me: If you need anything, call me. I know Sam said you could go to any of them, and that's true. But come to me first. Please."

There it is again. He looks at me in the eyes, and I can't think of anything else but him. The sincerity in his eyes is incredible, and I feel drawn in like never before. "Please, Kim, please promise me."

I nod, not trusting my voice enough to answer him. Jared grins. "Thank you Kim. You don't know what that means to me. I can give you everyone's numbers later, just in case." He pauses, and I can see that he's trying to think of the right thing to say. "Kim…I…." He runs a hand through his hair. "I want to do this right for you. You deserve to get nothing less than the best from me, and I'll do everything to make that happen for you. I want to make you happy, and I want you to feel like you can be yourself with me. Just…don't forget that, okay?"

In a rush of boldness, I take Jared's hand and squeeze it. "I won't." I stifle a yawn. The day really has taken its toll on me. But I don't want this moment with Jared to end. I look at him shyly. "Could we just sit out here for awhile?" I ask. "I don't really want to go in alone yet."

Jared smiles softly and squeezes my hand back. "Sure, Kim." Jared lets go of my hand and turns on the radio, fiddling with it until he finds a station. Then he grabs my hand and shuts his eyes. I can't think of any time before now when I've felt so peaceful. I shut my eyes too, listening to the music and feeling Jared's thumb soothingly rub over my knuckles.

I'll be seeing you  
In all the old familiar places  
That this heart of mine embraces  
All day through.

In that small cafe;  
The park across the way;  
The children's carousel;  
The chestnut trees;  
The wishin' well.

I'll be seeing you  
In every lovely summer's day;  
In everything that's light and gay.  
I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find you  
In the morning sun  
And when the night is new.  
I'll be looking at the moon,  
But I'll be seeing you.

I'll be seeing you  
In every lovely summer's day;  
In everything that's light and gay.  
I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find you  
In the morning sun  
And when the night is new.  
I'll be looking at the moon,  
But I'll be seeing you.


End file.
